Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no