Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
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that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.