Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
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[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Quadruple digit IQ
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Duolingo getting serious.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.