Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
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90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Move over, pizza rat. 馃崟 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I鈥檇 enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.