i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul