political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle