just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too