gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
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“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
The funk soul brother
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”