Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet