When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
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I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?