These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
You Might Also Like
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
August 8
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK