first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
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My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.