I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person