“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
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If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again