Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
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If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*