Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
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Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend