*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
no refunds
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?