My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.