*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*