A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
You Might Also Like
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now