Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
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[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.