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Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know