everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
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I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Breaking news:
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“Wait, let me explain..”