Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
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ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?