No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I have a type: disappointing
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!