My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Looking at you, Jesus.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester