Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
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*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
first you must answer his riddles
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR