People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
FINE, I WON’T.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
My kitchen overserved me.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap