Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
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MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.