Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
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IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*