My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
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[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.