Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.