Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
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Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
23. the denim jacket
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Breaking news:
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.