Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
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What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
You wish you had this many chins.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.