Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
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If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((