bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
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I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Pickled cat.