A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
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TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.