God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
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My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Not all heroes wear capes….
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My dad.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER