“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
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I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another