[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
You Might Also Like
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Seems kinda suspicious
If you had more money you’d be happier.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in