In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
You Might Also Like
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Erm…
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.