Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
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“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.