It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
When you don’t understand how floors work
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.