Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
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*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up