Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
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I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
You have been warned.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.