If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
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can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.