Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.