(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*