Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
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Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
repaired
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
それは草
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.