I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Ken is short for chicken
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.